Trying and Failing

Nothing sucks more than trying at something really hard but doing not-so-well on it. Especially when it comes to grades.

This year I've been really trying to do all of my work to make up for the previous two years and I've been doing so well in everything except math. I've always known I'm not a math person but I thought that if I did all of my work, then I'd pass with at least a B.

That's not happening.

Last semester I passed with a 79 because I didn't do so well on the tests and that's what always brings my grades down - strangely enough, I passed my final with a 90. It was surprising because I'm a horrible test taker and so I expected to get something akin to a 70 or below.

I didn't have high hopes for myself.

I never do, to be honest. I aim low so if I fail at something, at least I would have reached my goal and it helps me sleep at night.

This semester I've been doing much worse. I currently have a 77 in math because of a couple of quizzes and it sucks so much because I try so hard and I live in constant fear that I won't ever be accepted into a good college or given scholarships because of my bad grades.

Strangely enough, this semester physics is my highest grade.

That was a real life plot twist that I never saw coming since I hate the subject with a passion. I hate it so much - the complicated equations, the long word problems, and the headaches that come along with it.

So I am not exactly sure how I managed to earn and keep a 117 overall grade in that class.

Well, I'm not complaining.

But I slacked off to much in that class because of the high grade. And because of that slacking, I got an 83 on a test which brought my grade down... and also, I haven't done my homework in a while and so my grade slipped into a 99 and then into a 95....

Needless to say, I'm going to start doing my work in that class again.

Lastly, it sucks that lately I'm not doing so well in newspaper.

In the beginning, I loved writing so much. It's why I joined in the first place, but lately I haven't managed to write anything remotely okay. It's not that I don't want to - but it's not that I want to, either.

I lack motivation but at the same time my motivation is that I'll fail if I don't.

I've thought about dropping newspaper for next year since I don't need the credit anyway and it's not like it will affect the newspaper anyway but I can't bring myself to just because I'm going through this again.

"This" meaning ridiculous depression.

That's what my therapist says anyway. Depression is the source of my problem and why I lack motivation. And anxiety why I care so much.

The struggle.

Anyway, I'm not going to drop it but I'm trying really hard to... try in the class. Sometimes I just can't bring myself to do it, but I know that if I put my mind to it, I can do it. At least just to pass the class for now.

Maybe I'll get better and so will my grades, eventually.

Hopefully.